transitions....

So a monumental event has occurred in our house...the crib has been put away and replaced with a Big Boy bed. SY was sleeping in his big brothers bed for a week  now and before that his crib. YES HIS CRIB !!!! He NEVER climbed out of it, never expressed any displeasure being behind bars...so why should I rock the boat and take him out???
Now this crib has served me well...17 years...4 kids so I know I should be saying B"H. (side not...my crib is a drop down side...GASP...and B"H BA"H...my kids survived. Their heads are still attached and have all 10 fingers) but I'm sad. Sad that at this moment there is no one to go into right now. Happy too....happy that I have made it to this point in my life. B"H my kids are growing up and I'm starting to reap the toils of my labor. I am seeing little boys emerge into men...and sensitive ones too. Last week at visiting day when I told BD and MN to watch over SY when we left to make sure he was okay ...they did. They "hung out" together for about a 1/2 hour. My kids...my boys hanging out together. I still get tears in my eyes thinking of that. They have been listening to my mantra "there will never be anyone else in this world who will love you unconditionally as a sibling does" 
So why am I sad??? I'm not ready to get out of the "little children" stage. I"ll miss those times of going to the library as the fun activity of the day. Or going to feed the ducks. Now the boys will go for SY's sake but 5 min. later they give that look "okay so NOW are we going to do something FUN"
So as I transition and leave the crib days behind I am sad and happy....
And maybe ....I'll need to put it up again...hey..nes do happen all the time.....

The answer is sometimes No...

This morning we woke up to the unspeakable tragedy of Leiby Kletzky a"h. There are no words to adequately express the horror of the whole situation. His parents sent him off to camp expecting him to return hours later but   he didn't. Instead they are dealing with a horrific situation.
Last night I stayed downstairs until 10:45pm so I could call the Chazak Hotline to say Tehillim with the rest of K'lal Yisroel. It was unbelievable the kochos of the tehillim. I didn't hear who was the one leading the tehillim (if you know please tell me) but he said that Leiby a"h was doing something for K'lal Yisroel at that moment. He was bringing us all together in times when for the simplest things we resort to Lashon Hara, Sinas Chinam and Motzai Shem Ra. We were for that moment all united, all one family...like we should be at all times.
So what do we say to our children..to ourselves this morning when they ask "but we davened to Hashem...why didn't HE answer our tefillos?" It was something I was pondering this morning as I drove MN & YY to davening this morning.
Hashem does answer our tefillos...EVERY TIME WE ASK !!!! The answer is not the one we want, the one we ask for but it is still an answer. The answer is NO !!!
That is Bitachon...accepting that the answer is really the best one for us. Believing with true Bitachon that Hashem loves us and though we may not always like the answer it is an answer.

May the neshama of Yehuda "Leiby" Kletzsy have an aliyah. May Hashem comfort his parents and family. And may Moshiach come very soon.

This was written on an email I get called Divrei Chazak:

We can not understand Hashem's way but we are taught to come together as we did in looking for Leiby A"H and to grow spiritually closer to Hashem from this. May it be an aliyah to the neshama for the kiddush Hashem that was displayed throughout the last 48 hrs. 

can I ever win??

Did you ever tell your child not to do something and then it blow up in your face???

Case in point: phone rings and child answers it (that in itself was shocking that he didn't ignore it). The person asks for A. A is not home...he is at work. So instead of asking "do you want to speak to my mother" or even " can I take a message?" No, he says" oh you can call him on his cell phone" and proceeds to give out cell phone number...and hangs up. So silly me asks "who was that on the phone?"
Child: don't know (w/o any emotion)
Me: so you just gave out your father's cell phone number to a complete stranger
Child: well if they were asking for him must be they know him
Me: no, not necessarily. Please don't do that again. In fact (by this time I'm fuming about his non emotional responses) JUST DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE...LET ME !!!
Child : okay

So not more then 3 minutes later.. phone rings.......... and rings and rings and rings..I'm in a different room so I can't answer it. So I scream " can someone PLEASE answer the phone??"  Child calls back " Well I would but you just told me to not answer the phone anymore" Sure...now he chooses to listen the FIRST time I tell him something...and REMEMBERS

Great..me and my big ideas. So now every time the phone rings no matter who is sitting next to it...they won't answer it.

Reflections post Bar Mitzvah

So it is Sunday evening and it is quiet...okay except for the hum of the dishwasher and washing machine which has been running all day. I don't have the Bar Mitzvah notebook out in front of me crossing things off the list. I'm not checking any lists to make sure I didn't forget something. I'm just trying to clean up....which will take another day to wash everything and put everything back in it is rightful place.

Now it is time to reflect...It was a beautiful Bar Mitzvah. Yes,  it was a HUGE amount of work but I'm so happy BA"H with the way everything turned out. MN did a GREAT job with his leining, made us proud when he made his siyum. It was a great Shabbos. Family & family traveled from afar to be with us. We counted and had representation from  8 states...not too shabby.

When I invited in towners for Shal Seudos I said it takes a village to raise a child. I truly mean it. Everyone who came over Shabbos to celebrate with us had a influence on MN's life. I was touched by the outpouring of help I got. Friends offered to help with whatever I needed. Whether it was housing people or cooking I knew I could count on my friends to help with whatever I needed.

So I want to say Thank YOU !!! Thank you for being there for my family to celebrate our simcha with us. May we continue to share in simchas with each other.

and it continues...

So today I would have blogged  kvetched about cleaning the playroom and how puzzle pieces and game pieces are not where they are supposed to be. And why do my kids have so many toys that they don't use???

Today I will only say BARUCH HASHEM !!!!!

 It seems so trivial for me to be discussing my Pesach cleaning today. B"H I AM doing my cleaning. B"H I have what to blog kvetch about. B"H my husband and children are alive..BA"H. B"H I have Purim and Pesach with my family to look forward to. My heart and tefillos go out to the Fogel family all over the world. You lived and died in our HOME. May you memory be a blessing. May Hashem give us all the strength to stay strong and to never stop having Bitachon.  Hashem will show us the other side of the tapestry and we need to NEVER stop believing.

Oh my gosh I can't believe we live like this...

If it wasn't for the fact I would be so utterly embarrassed I would take BEFORE pictures of what my bedrooms looked like before we started cleaning them. Sorry, some pride I still do have. Therefore no AFTER pictures either because YOU might look at the "After" and think "nice mess...when will they clean it up" only to be shocked by me telling you...We already did !!!!!!!


Like I told you last blog...I do NOT like cleaning...which is why I spend hard earned cash on a cleaning lady. Well I guess my aversion to cleaning has been passed down to my children as well. Though I really didn't think we lived as bad as we do. I tend to think that the animals in the zoo live better then we do. At least they have zoo keepers that clean out their cages once in a while.

Now I have another important issue to raise....So I have this cleaning lady which I really love...but...what exactly is she doing upstairs??? Certainly not moving the furniture and cleaning under anything. Think she is more of a "clean around the mess" kinda gal.

Okay so now we are about 90% done upstairs...can't wait to get cleaning lady back here to do her work. Hoping to get the rest done this week but.....the rest of the house needs a bit of TLC in the mean time.

Why I love Pesach cleaning???

Let me first start off saying....I truly love Pesach cleaning. I'm not being sarcastic or "holier then thou". I really love Pesach cleaning. Now please do not think I've been inhaling cleansing agents that has caused me to go over the edge. Not yet at least...

The reason I love Pesach cleaning is because I dislike IMMENSELY cleaning. As I tell A I was not born to clean. I'm not cut out for it, I'm not good at it and therefore I do not do it. I have a cleaning lady who you all know when she doesn't show I'm very sad. So why the contradiction to Pesach cleaning and regular cleaning? Honestly if it wasn't for Pesach cleaning I would NEVER clean (or find anything that I have lost over the year). With Pesach I do not have a choice. And to tell you the truth...afterwards I feel great. I'm so happy to be able to walk into a room and know every spot in that room was cleaned. For instance after the bedrooms are done (talking about years past...don't get nervous the bedrooms are not done...next week :) and I  go to bed at night...I know those dust bunnies are not under my bed. It is a great feeling !!!

Here is my disclaimer...you are probably saying "Rami, dust bunnies are not chometz. Pesach cleaning is making sure there is no chometz. What you are doing sounds like Spring Cleaning. And to that I say...(THIS IS MY BLOG AND MY CLEANING..LEAVE ME BE !!!!) And you are right...I am "cleaning" more then I have to. I figure if I'm going to do it once a year...might as well do it all at one time..spring, Pesach...to me..it is CLEANING

So today we cleaned the basement. It took 2 1/2 hours because we all worked together. Yes, even 3 yr old SY. He is very capable of holding a dust pan or he is "just the right height to reach all those tiny hard to reach spaces". Now  I do not know what your basement looks like but mine is a large room that houses my junk, washing machine/dryer, junk, extra freezer, second refrigerator, more junk, Pesach stuff, more junk, extra clothes that kids have outgrown and did I say JUNK??? Oh yeah and BOXES....every possible size, shape and type. Do I use them when I need to send a package?? No, I still go to the UPS store and ask them to pack it for me. Why you ask? Well you see when you have a extensive collection like mine....if you remove 1 box from that LARGE tower...well lets just say we might need to call the Chilean miners and ask them how they survived being buried because it would take a rescue team to get us out from under the "mess".

Another special item stored in our basement are broken things like a dining room chair that the leg broke off ,a vacuum that doesn't do anything and a desk that has 1 leg (only has 1 leg to stand on.) So I'm not sure why broken items are put down there..maybe we think by putting them down in the basement some little elf will come and fix it late at night when we are sleeping and the next morning we will have working things again. As of yet that has not happened.

The other special item that was found was the old toys that we put downstairs when YY had outgrown them and we as of yet have not taken out for SY. Boy was he a happy guy. He was so busy "trying" to play while we were "trying" to convince him he doesn't want those toys to be brought upstairs b/c "look how much fun it is to play with them in the basement". 

So since we were cleaning today the real way to clean is...THROW OUT STUFF. The problem we are having right now is...Today is Sunday, Garbage Day is Thursday. There is too much snow outside right now to bring it all out. So at the present time it is all in 1 corner of the basement.

So if you are bored or looking for a box or a broken vacuum cleaner or a dining room chair..come over Wednesday night. B"li Neder we won't make fun of you going through our trash pile. Maybe you have an elf or just need a box. We have plenty !!!

Next week BEDROOMS...hope I find that black tichel.

Saying goodbye

How do you say goodbye to a dream? I never got to hold her in my arms. I never got to dress her in the bows and frills. I never got to breathe in that new baby smell. I never got to get up in the middle of the night and complain about how tired I was  the next day. I never got the chance to make memories. I never got the chance to know her So what do I do? She was my baby...she was my dream. So what DO I do?

I was told that after a 120 years I will meet all the neshamas of my lost children once again. My table will be filled with my children that I never met. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is it selfish to want those children HERE and NOW???

I know I'm supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason and Hashem knows best. It is just hard to throw up my hands and say "okay...sure I can do this once again". How many times do I have to say goodbye? I would think 6 would be too many.

This time was different for us. Never before did we know we were supposed to have a burial. It is long and complicated to go through but this was the first baby we had to ask the hospital to save the "remains". This was the first time we had to call a funeral home and ask them to help us bury our "baby".

It was a private burial just my husband, the funeral director and an unbelievable friend. I so badly wanted to go...how can I not be there? How can I not be there for my "baby", for my husband, for myself? Well I couldn't be there....b/c the exact time of the burial was the time that BD was going back to yeshiva. So yes, I chose to take him to the airport. Once again I made the choice to "pick" my living children over myself.

I thought BD didn't know what was going on...I wanted to shield him from the pain and confusion. I wanted to protect him for the harsh reality Only weeks later did I come to find out...he did know all along but didn't ask.

So to answer my original question of " how do you say goodbye?" The answer is...you don't.

You just say " I loved you for the joy you brought me for the short time I had you and the memory of that joy will live in my heart forever"


Till we meet again...

what today should have, could have and won't be...

I love my children. I am in awe of my children. I consider myself the LUCKIEST mother to have these 4 boys as my children. I love being their mother. I try to never take that for granted...but today I am just a little sad. Okay today I am A LOT sad. Today was "supposed" to be the day I gave birth to my 5th child..or is it my 10th???  I've been pregnant 10 times..and I have 4 boys...so yes, you did do your math correctly, I've had 6 miscarriages. I know I'm not the first woman to have a miscarriage. I pray though I'm the last. I can't even call the last 2 miscarriages a miscarriage because they were well into my second trimester. To me a miscarriage is when a pregnancy fails to progress past 12 weeks. I've had those... one time  I found out on Friday I was pregnant and Monday I wasn't anymore.  That is a miscarriage. What happens after you hear and see the heartbeat or feel your baby move is NOT a miscarriage...it is something more. 


So what do you call it then when you have seen your baby moving on an ultrasound, heard its heartbeat...not once...but numerous times. What do you call it when you actually feel your baby kicking...and then you have what the medical profession calls "settling". I call it "a loss".  I don't think any woman going to her 20 week ultrasound expects to hear the words "I'm having trouble seeing your baby moving and its heart beating". To which yes I DID respond "well work a little harder honey because it is there" but it wasn't....

How do you go home and tell your children who were expecting to have to work at prying the gender out of you that instead their dreams have been shattered? What do you do? How do you go on? Do you crawl into bed and just scream? Well that was what I wanted to do. That wasn't what I could do. I had to try to function as normal as possible. Children take their cues from their parents. I couldn't cry into front of my kids b/c it scared them..especially my 3 yr old. So the crying was saved for the nighttime when I was alone with  A.

So what DID I do and how did I go on...I took the position that I had to do whatever I could for kids that I had here and now. I had to put them before me and my emotions. I had to be MOMMY to my children that I'm fortunate to still be able to mother. I had to show them that mommy is okay..even if I wasn't. So if that meant taking them for pictures like we were supposed to or taking them to a corn maze...That is what we did. Life had to go on for them.


I felt I was so lucky to have these 4 miracles that  I had to do whatever I could to make things normal. It wasn't easy by any means. Somehow I did get through it. The first few days I didn't leave the house (it was the first days of Succos). Well that is not totally true...I went to sit outside. I felt the walls were closing in on me if I stayed inside too much. Every time I stepped outside...someone followed me. They knew I didn't want to be alone so they just came and sat with me. They didn't have to actually talk to me.They just had to be with me...just as much as I needed them with me. 


I felt safe those first few days surrounded by my family and my friends who came over. Again, I didn't have to ask my friends to come over...they just came. They didn't have to say anything or do anything. It meant so much to me when they came to just hold my hand or read a book to SY or just ...be there physically.


The week after when everyone went back to school,work, their lives... that was when I started to crumble. There were days I felt I couldn't stop crying. I felt so lost...so empty. There are still days that I do. I was trying so hard to go on with my everyday life but I would start crying and didn't know how to stop. I remember one day in particular. I felt so overwhelmed that I started crying and couldn't stop. I knew I just needed to talk to someone. I called so many people and no one was home. Finally someone called me "just to find out how I was" I just cried and cried. After that I felt better. I guess I was so tired of trying to be the martyr and just needed to break down. Or it was the hormones. 


After you have a baby your pregnancy hormones come crashing down and you are sad, anxious.....but you don't notice it as much b/c you have this incredibly cute baby that keeps you busy.


It is was no different for me...I also had a baby. Just not one to show off to everyone.


There really is not much you can say to a person going through what I was going through. At the time you are not really able to agree with any of the sayings "Hashem will give you the strength" b/c what I would have answered was "well HE better...he is the one testing me"


There are so many things I will tell you NEVER to say. Don't EVER say "well you weren't worthy of this neshama" or "guess your family didn't really want that baby enough". Or you are young...you will have more. 


By miscarriage # ?? I tried to explain to BD who must have been 9 or so at the time that Hashem gives us a present EVERYDAY..our neshama. It is not really ours to keep b/c every night we return it to HIM. And every morning we "expect" to get it back. Well this time the choice wasn't ours. We were given this precious neshama that we had not met yet...(only I felt it at that point) and as much as we were excited to meet it...it wasn't ours. I then told him that every neshama has a purpose and even though we only had this neshama for a short time....it did fulfill a purpose. For that short time we were so  happy and  so excited.


So what do I say to myself today...and to my children (who chances are will not know what day was supposed to be. And that is fine...). How do I get through this should have, could have..and won't be day....

Rami, you have 4 amazing...no 5 amazing men who you love so much. Just look at them..try to remember how lucky you are. You will always carry the pain of each and every miscarriage or loss with you. They will always be a part of you...they have made you the kind of person  you are. Try not to make today consume you. Remember this is Bitachon...you may never know the reason why you have had to go through this. You just have to go on....your boys need you to.

I will allow myself to be sad  today because it is okay...then I'll go kiss my kids (or call them).

 Then I'll cry a little and I'll always remember....all 10 of my precious neshamas.

he leaves once again...

So he is off again. Back to his life at Yeshiva. I'm back to worrying again. I'm back to waiting for the late night phone calls to tell me about his day. Back to listening to the hidden  messages  in his words. Back to listening to his tone when he tells me about ...everything.

This past Friday night I said to A as we were going to sleep "well tonight I will sleep. All our kids are under one roof...you are not going anywhere. I have my 5 most important men under 1 roof. Tonight I will sleep !!!"

B"H I know he is going back to the best place for him. He is doing well BA"H. He is happy so therefore I'm happy but when you send your child away for yeshiva it is still sad. You lose a little of their growing up years. B"H BD calls me everyday so for that I'm very thankful  but there is the everyday subtle changes you miss.

I count the days until he comes home and dread the day he has to leave. Again....he is in a GREAT place. B"H we feel so lucky to have found a wonderful Yeshiva with caring Rebbeim and very "good" boys who are positive role models.

So goodbye BD for now...

  I will miss the extra laundry. The dirty clothes on the floor. The coat that doesn't get hung up. The hat/tefillin on top of the breakfront. The davening jacket on the dining room chair. The shoes that you take off in the doorway..and leave there. I will miss having an extra pair of hands to help with Shabbos and everything else.

I know SY will miss having another person to read to him and learn  aleph-beis with him. I will miss the noise that somehow an extra person in the house seems to make.

I will miss the fighting that brothers do. I know your brothers will miss you doing their jobs for them and I know MN will miss your latest "bonding" moment

Most of all...I will miss YOU !!!
And now I'm back to counting the days until you come back....

"what happened to the little boy I carried...."

Just got back from a wedding of a very close friends that was in Chicago where the kallah is from. It was a beautiful wedding. It was the kind of wedding that you felt the family and extended family were so appreciative you made the long trip. It was a time to reconnect with old friends...a time to laugh and giggle..and that we did plenty of.
One thought that I had  during the Bedeken and  especially at the Chuppah was "how did we get here?" The chosson was just 7 when I moved here. He was a little boy and now he is getting married?  I watched the mother walk down the aisle with her "baby" crying as she held on to him. I'm sure it was tears of joy but still...you raise your children for this day. The day when you have hopefully instilled in them the values they will take on to the next point of their lives. This is the bracha that we all say at the bris...Torah,Chuppah, Massim Tovim. What was going through my friends mind as she took her son to the chuppah? Was she remembering all the nights she was up with him, was she remembering the first time he walked, his first day of nursery school, kindergarten.....
So this brings me back to my original post when I wondered "why am always always rushing my life"??? My friend SH wrote recently a blog about "just getting through it" how we are so focused on getting through each stage that when are we actually "enjoying" that stage??
I'm not up to weddings yet...IY"H in the right time but I was so busy at this wedding peeking over at the men's side...(shh, do not tell the shadchanim this piece of info). Why you ask...and it is true the men have the better schtick but that wasn't the real reason. The real reason was b/c BD was there with me. He flew in for the wedding from Yeshiva.  I kept looking over at the men's side b/c I wanted to see him. I wanted to see what my baby was doing. I wanted to observe him as an outsider does. He is my first...as we say in our family "he is the one we do all of  our practicing on". I just wanted to schep the nachas and watch him. Okay as anyone who has gone to weddings ...what do you see at the Men's side???? BLACK...and more black..just moving around. And when there is really good schtick unless you climb on a chair...sorry ladies you ain't seeing much else. So okay THAT plan was not going to work.
I did get to see occasional glimpses of him and I was proud when people who have not seen him in a while remarked how good he looked ba"h. I was also fortunate to meet a family who also traveled from St. Louis and was able to schep nachas when they told me how nice of a boy he is and how much they enjoy watching him grow since he entered 9th grade. ( I did tell the wife I was jealous that she sees him more then I do but as a mother who also sent her boys away she understood what I was really saying).
So this blog is supposed to be...I don't always keep to it but it is SUPPOSED to be "finding Bitachon in everyday life". So what life lesson can I ...what life lesson should I be learning from this all....I guess not to get stuck on the negatives of teething and sleepless night and when will they take their first step...because all kids do get their teeth, they will all walk,they will all get toilet trained (even SY). Just ENJOY this time I have. Don't focus on the little things. Learn to "look at them from the other side of the mechitza". Take time to observe them as an outsider see's them. And always schep nachas !!!!
IY"H we will all walk our children down to the Chuppah in the right time.

 Y&C E....I wish you a marriage filled with bracha and mazel and may you have nachas in your future.

we will never get back those lost times

this came to me via email and just wanted to share:


Can I borrow $5:

A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door. SON: 'Mummy, may I ask you a question?' MUM: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the woman. SON: 'Mummy, how much do you make an hour?' MUM: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the woman said angrily. SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me .' MUM: 'If you must know, I make  $20 an hour.' SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down. SON: "Mummy, may I please borrow $5?" The mother was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.' The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.. The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 ,   He really didn't ask for money very often. The woman went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. 'Are you asleep, son?' She asked. 'No, Mummy, I'm awake,' replied the boy. 'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the woman. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $5 you asked for.' The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you Mummy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother. 'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the mother grumbled. 'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied. 'Mummy, I have $20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'  The mother was crushed. She put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of us working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $20 worth of your time with someone you love. If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. ************************************************************************************************************** I'm going to try to remember this on the week's when I'm out too many nights in a row.

teenage boys and food

I know I'm still in the infant years of this teenage boyhood but I've learned a valuable lesson so far. FOOD IS NOT SAFE WHEN THEY ARE AROUND. I can make a huge meal and they will inhale the majority of the meal...and  get up from the table and go get a snack. I remember my brother A who is 6 years older then me also getting up from the table and making a sandwich after dinner so he won't get hungry from the kitchen to his bedroom. I just thought he was strange.....hmmm (love ya A). Now that I have 1 official teenager and another just about teenager I am amazed at the bottomless pit they call their stomach.
For instance just this morning MN came downstairs in his usual "sunny disposition"...(stop laughing, no teenager wakes up in a sunny disposition  but I can dream right). Okay, so really MN came downstairs and grunted. I think it was something to the fact of " I'm hungry..where is the food" but I'm not sure b/c really it sounded  "w$B*#...". So I cheerfully made him a bowl of cheerios. (I'm cheerful b/c that first cup of coffee has been circulating my body for a full 10 min). A FULL bowl of cereal with the milk filled up to the rim. He eats the WHOLE bowl....might have eaten the bowl as well if he could. Gets up from the table, puts his bowl in the sink (okay now I'm being delusional b/c that bowl for some reason has a magnetic force keeping it on the table and never is taken to the sink by anyone other then me or tatty), reaches to the top of the refrigerator and takes a pretzel. I stand there dumbfounded (no, not hard for me) and I say:

 "but you just finished eating 30 seconds ago." To which he responds " I'm still hungry"...(yes by this time he can talk a little bit better).
I say back "but the cereal has not reached your stomach yet..it is still being digested".
To which he just smiles and walks away....most likely thinking "duh....mom"

  I have actually stooped to the level of hiding those pretzels.... in the crock pot, the cabinet where the dish towels are hidden...but yet he still finds it.

I'm always shocked when I go to Wegmans (for you out there that have never experienced Wegmans...there will be a blog about that...and it will HAVE to have pictures to go along) and see how much I spend when everyone is home compared to how much I spend in the summer when the 2 older boys are at camp.

So are girls like this? Do they also have a bottomless stomach?

showers

Can the M.O.B.'s(translation.... Mother Of Boys) please explain to me the correct response to this scenario:

Boy comes downstairs with a gleam in his eye bursting to tell me monumental news. I'm so excited he is  opening up to me and sharing something..anything with me.

Boy : Mom, guess what I did last night?
Me : what darling
Boy: I took a shower

So here is where it went downhill b/c my response was:

I stood up and clapped.

Please don't get me wrong, I was VERY proud of boy that mid week he took a shower.

Now I didn't need boy to tell me he took a shower last night b/c when I walked into the bathroom last night...there sitting in the corner on the floor was the towel. You know which towel I'm talking about. The towel that for some reason can NOT be hung up by anyone other then...ME.

So MOB's...what would you have done with this monumental event happening in your house???

I'm going to do it...

So I decided that I will start the process of being a blogger.....
First I want to explain my title. Bitachon is faith...believing in something whole heartily. Believing that Hashem (G-D) does things for a reason and we will continue to believe even if we don't understand. It is easy to recognize Hashem when things are going great....but it is equally important to remember it when something bad happens as well.

I found this great video to explain.....

So I try to rely on my faith that whatever happens in my life whether good or bad..happens for a reason. I'm human and there are many times I need to remember I'm not in charge. It is hard..but everyday it is something I try to work on.

So I'm not sure how often I'll blog..b/c frankly I don't think my life is all that interesting. I'll try to work on increasing my Bitachon....1 day at a time.

So come on my journey with me....hopefully I won't bore you.

Can I do it?

I've been thinking of starting a blog and recently have been discussing it with two friends. So I figured I better see if I can write well enough to make me appear interesting. So I thought now is a great time with my birthday quickly approaching. 

So I'm turning 23 !!! What you don't believe me ??? Guess it would be hard to be 23 when your oldest child is 16.  So I'm turning 37.  I just don't feel 37. To be 37  I would think you would feel mature..wise..something. I'm not sure how old I "feel" but I don't "feel" 37. When I turned 30 it was very emotional for me. In my mind I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish by then and I didn't feel I had reached my goal yet. So here I am..3/4 of the way to 40 and what is my biggest accomplishment..MY KIDS !!!

 I look at my kids and occasionally think to myself "who are these little people that are calling ME mommy ?" Having kids in a wide age range..or as I like to say...having 3 families in one is "fun". I have my first family... my 16 yr old who is learning to drive and finishing high school .Then there is my second family my 12 yr old who is preparing for his Bar Mitzvah along with his 10 yr old brother who is "waiting" to prepare for his Bar Mitzvah and my third family ...my 3 yr old.  Now my 3 yr old is VERY lucky b/c he has 4 parents...his "real" parents who gave birth to him (that would be me and his father) and his brothers who always pick up the slack of  reprimanding him when they feel we are not doing an adequate job.  Oldest brother is able to do it long distance

How did I get to this point in my life? I feel at times I must have blinked because my life has been fast forwarded. What happened ??? Was I so stuck on my list of goals that I let time slip bye...or was I busy with my 4 miracles..and miracles they are...but THAT is a different blog.

So I sit here on a cold winter day 3 years away from 40 still wondering how do I get here...More importantly..what will occupy me for the next 3 years?? Well G-d willing will have made 2 more Bar Mitzvahs, 1 High School Graduation..send 3 yr old off to school ...okay too sad to think of that...but wait...12 yr old will be off in Yeshiva in some far off place...

Okay..stopping here b/c I really don't want to rush my next 3 years..instead...going to try to enjoy the roller coaster ride....