I love my children. I am in awe of my children. I consider myself the LUCKIEST mother to have these 4 boys as my children. I love being their mother. I try to never take that for granted...but today I am just a little sad. Okay today I am A LOT sad. Today was "supposed" to be the day I gave birth to my 5th child..or is it my 10th??? I've been pregnant 10 times..and I have 4 boys...so yes, you did do your math correctly, I've had 6 miscarriages. I know I'm not the first woman to have a miscarriage. I pray though I'm the last. I can't even call the last 2 miscarriages a miscarriage because they were well into my second trimester. To me a miscarriage is when a pregnancy fails to progress past 12 weeks. I've had those... one time I found out on Friday I was pregnant and Monday I wasn't anymore. That is a miscarriage. What happens after you hear and see the heartbeat or feel your baby move is NOT a miscarriage...it is something more.
So what do you call it then when you have seen your baby moving on an ultrasound, heard its heartbeat...not once...but numerous times. What do you call it when you actually feel your baby kicking...and then you have what the medical profession calls "settling". I call it "a loss". I don't think any woman going to her 20 week ultrasound expects to hear the words "I'm having trouble seeing your baby moving and its heart beating". To which yes I DID respond "well work a little harder honey because it is there" but it wasn't....
So what DID I do and how did I go on...I took the position that I had to do whatever I could for kids that I had here and now. I had to put them before me and my emotions. I had to be MOMMY to my children that I'm fortunate to still be able to mother. I had to show them that mommy is okay..even if I wasn't. So if that meant taking them for pictures like we were supposed to or taking them to a corn maze...That is what we did. Life had to go on for them.
I felt I was so lucky to have these 4 miracles that I had to do whatever I could to make things normal. It wasn't easy by any means. Somehow I did get through it. The first few days I didn't leave the house (it was the first days of Succos). Well that is not totally true...I went to sit outside. I felt the walls were closing in on me if I stayed inside too much. Every time I stepped outside...someone followed me. They knew I didn't want to be alone so they just came and sat with me. They didn't have to actually talk to me.They just had to be with me...just as much as I needed them with me.
I felt safe those first few days surrounded by my family and my friends who came over. Again, I didn't have to ask my friends to come over...they just came. They didn't have to say anything or do anything. It meant so much to me when they came to just hold my hand or read a book to SY or just ...be there physically.
The week after when everyone went back to school,work, their lives... that was when I started to crumble. There were days I felt I couldn't stop crying. I felt so lost...so empty. There are still days that I do. I was trying so hard to go on with my everyday life but I would start crying and didn't know how to stop. I remember one day in particular. I felt so overwhelmed that I started crying and couldn't stop. I knew I just needed to talk to someone. I called so many people and no one was home. Finally someone called me "just to find out how I was" I just cried and cried. After that I felt better. I guess I was so tired of trying to be the martyr and just needed to break down. Or it was the hormones.
After you have a baby your pregnancy hormones come crashing down and you are sad, anxious.....but you don't notice it as much b/c you have this incredibly cute baby that keeps you busy.
It is was no different for me...I also had a baby. Just not one to show off to everyone.
There really is not much you can say to a person going through what I was going through. At the time you are not really able to agree with any of the sayings "Hashem will give you the strength" b/c what I would have answered was "well HE better...he is the one testing me"
There are so many things I will tell you NEVER to say. Don't EVER say "well you weren't worthy of this neshama" or "guess your family didn't really want that baby enough". Or you are young...you will have more.
By miscarriage # ?? I tried to explain to BD who must have been 9 or so at the time that Hashem gives us a present EVERYDAY..our neshama. It is not really ours to keep b/c every night we return it to HIM. And every morning we "expect" to get it back. Well this time the choice wasn't ours. We were given this precious neshama that we had not met yet...(only I felt it at that point) and as much as we were excited to meet it...it wasn't ours. I then told him that every neshama has a purpose and even though we only had this neshama for a short time....it did fulfill a purpose. For that short time we were so happy and so excited.
So what do I say to myself today...and to my children (who chances are will not know what day was supposed to be. And that is fine...). How do I get through this should have, could have..and won't be day....
I will allow myself to be sad today because it is okay...then I'll go kiss my kids (or call them).
Then I'll cry a little and I'll always remember....all 10 of my precious neshamas.
So what do you call it then when you have seen your baby moving on an ultrasound, heard its heartbeat...not once...but numerous times. What do you call it when you actually feel your baby kicking...and then you have what the medical profession calls "settling". I call it "a loss". I don't think any woman going to her 20 week ultrasound expects to hear the words "I'm having trouble seeing your baby moving and its heart beating". To which yes I DID respond "well work a little harder honey because it is there" but it wasn't....
How do you go home and tell your children who were expecting to have to work at prying the gender out of you that instead their dreams have been shattered? What do you do? How do you go on? Do you crawl into bed and just scream? Well that was what I wanted to do. That wasn't what I could do. I had to try to function as normal as possible. Children take their cues from their parents. I couldn't cry into front of my kids b/c it scared them..especially my 3 yr old. So the crying was saved for the nighttime when I was alone with A.
So what DID I do and how did I go on...I took the position that I had to do whatever I could for kids that I had here and now. I had to put them before me and my emotions. I had to be MOMMY to my children that I'm fortunate to still be able to mother. I had to show them that mommy is okay..even if I wasn't. So if that meant taking them for pictures like we were supposed to or taking them to a corn maze...That is what we did. Life had to go on for them.
I felt I was so lucky to have these 4 miracles that I had to do whatever I could to make things normal. It wasn't easy by any means. Somehow I did get through it. The first few days I didn't leave the house (it was the first days of Succos). Well that is not totally true...I went to sit outside. I felt the walls were closing in on me if I stayed inside too much. Every time I stepped outside...someone followed me. They knew I didn't want to be alone so they just came and sat with me. They didn't have to actually talk to me.They just had to be with me...just as much as I needed them with me.
I felt safe those first few days surrounded by my family and my friends who came over. Again, I didn't have to ask my friends to come over...they just came. They didn't have to say anything or do anything. It meant so much to me when they came to just hold my hand or read a book to SY or just ...be there physically.
The week after when everyone went back to school,work, their lives... that was when I started to crumble. There were days I felt I couldn't stop crying. I felt so lost...so empty. There are still days that I do. I was trying so hard to go on with my everyday life but I would start crying and didn't know how to stop. I remember one day in particular. I felt so overwhelmed that I started crying and couldn't stop. I knew I just needed to talk to someone. I called so many people and no one was home. Finally someone called me "just to find out how I was" I just cried and cried. After that I felt better. I guess I was so tired of trying to be the martyr and just needed to break down. Or it was the hormones.
After you have a baby your pregnancy hormones come crashing down and you are sad, anxious.....but you don't notice it as much b/c you have this incredibly cute baby that keeps you busy.
It is was no different for me...I also had a baby. Just not one to show off to everyone.
There really is not much you can say to a person going through what I was going through. At the time you are not really able to agree with any of the sayings "Hashem will give you the strength" b/c what I would have answered was "well HE better...he is the one testing me"
There are so many things I will tell you NEVER to say. Don't EVER say "well you weren't worthy of this neshama" or "guess your family didn't really want that baby enough". Or you are young...you will have more.
By miscarriage # ?? I tried to explain to BD who must have been 9 or so at the time that Hashem gives us a present EVERYDAY..our neshama. It is not really ours to keep b/c every night we return it to HIM. And every morning we "expect" to get it back. Well this time the choice wasn't ours. We were given this precious neshama that we had not met yet...(only I felt it at that point) and as much as we were excited to meet it...it wasn't ours. I then told him that every neshama has a purpose and even though we only had this neshama for a short time....it did fulfill a purpose. For that short time we were so happy and so excited.
So what do I say to myself today...and to my children (who chances are will not know what day was supposed to be. And that is fine...). How do I get through this should have, could have..and won't be day....
Rami, you have4 amazing...no 5 amazing men who you love so much. Just look at them..try to remember how lucky you are. You will always carry the pain of each and every miscarriage or loss with you. They will always be a part of you...they have made you the kind of person you are. Try not to make today consume you. Remember this is Bitachon...you may never know the reason why you have had to go through this. You just have to go on....your boys need you to.
I will allow myself to be sad today because it is okay...then I'll go kiss my kids (or call them).
Then I'll cry a little and I'll always remember....all 10 of my precious neshamas.
Beautiful. Really. You should continue to draw chizuk from those beautiful neshamos around you. And after 120 from those who have gone on ahead. Thanks for sharing this, you are truly and inspiration.
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