Saying goodbye

How do you say goodbye to a dream? I never got to hold her in my arms. I never got to dress her in the bows and frills. I never got to breathe in that new baby smell. I never got to get up in the middle of the night and complain about how tired I was  the next day. I never got the chance to make memories. I never got the chance to know her So what do I do? She was my baby...she was my dream. So what DO I do?

I was told that after a 120 years I will meet all the neshamas of my lost children once again. My table will be filled with my children that I never met. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is it selfish to want those children HERE and NOW???

I know I'm supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason and Hashem knows best. It is just hard to throw up my hands and say "okay...sure I can do this once again". How many times do I have to say goodbye? I would think 6 would be too many.

This time was different for us. Never before did we know we were supposed to have a burial. It is long and complicated to go through but this was the first baby we had to ask the hospital to save the "remains". This was the first time we had to call a funeral home and ask them to help us bury our "baby".

It was a private burial just my husband, the funeral director and an unbelievable friend. I so badly wanted to go...how can I not be there? How can I not be there for my "baby", for my husband, for myself? Well I couldn't be there....b/c the exact time of the burial was the time that BD was going back to yeshiva. So yes, I chose to take him to the airport. Once again I made the choice to "pick" my living children over myself.

I thought BD didn't know what was going on...I wanted to shield him from the pain and confusion. I wanted to protect him for the harsh reality Only weeks later did I come to find out...he did know all along but didn't ask.

So to answer my original question of " how do you say goodbye?" The answer is...you don't.

You just say " I loved you for the joy you brought me for the short time I had you and the memory of that joy will live in my heart forever"


Till we meet again...