How do you say goodbye to a dream? I never got to hold her in my arms. I never got to dress her in the bows and frills. I never got to breathe in that new baby smell. I never got to get up in the middle of the night and complain about how tired I was the next day. I never got the chance to make memories. I never got the chance to know her So what do I do? She was my baby...she was my dream. So what DO I do?
I was told that after a 120 years I will meet all the neshamas of my lost children once again. My table will be filled with my children that I never met. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is it selfish to want those children HERE and NOW???
I know I'm supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason and Hashem knows best. It is just hard to throw up my hands and say "okay...sure I can do this once again". How many times do I have to say goodbye? I would think 6 would be too many.
This time was different for us. Never before did we know we were supposed to have a burial. It is long and complicated to go through but this was the first baby we had to ask the hospital to save the "remains". This was the first time we had to call a funeral home and ask them to help us bury our "baby".
It was a private burial just my husband, the funeral director and an unbelievable friend. I so badly wanted to go...how can I not be there? How can I not be there for my "baby", for my husband, for myself? Well I couldn't be there....b/c the exact time of the burial was the time that BD was going back to yeshiva. So yes, I chose to take him to the airport. Once again I made the choice to "pick" my living children over myself.
I thought BD didn't know what was going on...I wanted to shield him from the pain and confusion. I wanted to protect him for the harsh reality Only weeks later did I come to find out...he did know all along but didn't ask.
So to answer my original question of " how do you say goodbye?" The answer is...you don't.
You just say " I loved you for the joy you brought me for the short time I had you and the memory of that joy will live in my heart forever"
Till we meet again...
Friday, February 11, 2011
what today should have, could have and won't be...
I love my children. I am in awe of my children. I consider myself the LUCKIEST mother to have these 4 boys as my children. I love being their mother. I try to never take that for granted...but today I am just a little sad. Okay today I am A LOT sad. Today was "supposed" to be the day I gave birth to my 5th child..or is it my 10th??? I've been pregnant 10 times..and I have 4 boys...so yes, you did do your math correctly, I've had 6 miscarriages. I know I'm not the first woman to have a miscarriage. I pray though I'm the last. I can't even call the last 2 miscarriages a miscarriage because they were well into my second trimester. To me a miscarriage is when a pregnancy fails to progress past 12 weeks. I've had those... one time I found out on Friday I was pregnant and Monday I wasn't anymore. That is a miscarriage. What happens after you hear and see the heartbeat or feel your baby move is NOT a miscarriage...it is something more.
So what do you call it then when you have seen your baby moving on an ultrasound, heard its heartbeat...not once...but numerous times. What do you call it when you actually feel your baby kicking...and then you have what the medical profession calls "settling". I call it "a loss". I don't think any woman going to her 20 week ultrasound expects to hear the words "I'm having trouble seeing your baby moving and its heart beating". To which yes I DID respond "well work a little harder honey because it is there" but it wasn't....
So what DID I do and how did I go on...I took the position that I had to do whatever I could for kids that I had here and now. I had to put them before me and my emotions. I had to be MOMMY to my children that I'm fortunate to still be able to mother. I had to show them that mommy is okay..even if I wasn't. So if that meant taking them for pictures like we were supposed to or taking them to a corn maze...That is what we did. Life had to go on for them.
I felt I was so lucky to have these 4 miracles that I had to do whatever I could to make things normal. It wasn't easy by any means. Somehow I did get through it. The first few days I didn't leave the house (it was the first days of Succos). Well that is not totally true...I went to sit outside. I felt the walls were closing in on me if I stayed inside too much. Every time I stepped outside...someone followed me. They knew I didn't want to be alone so they just came and sat with me. They didn't have to actually talk to me.They just had to be with me...just as much as I needed them with me.
I felt safe those first few days surrounded by my family and my friends who came over. Again, I didn't have to ask my friends to come over...they just came. They didn't have to say anything or do anything. It meant so much to me when they came to just hold my hand or read a book to SY or just ...be there physically.
The week after when everyone went back to school,work, their lives... that was when I started to crumble. There were days I felt I couldn't stop crying. I felt so lost...so empty. There are still days that I do. I was trying so hard to go on with my everyday life but I would start crying and didn't know how to stop. I remember one day in particular. I felt so overwhelmed that I started crying and couldn't stop. I knew I just needed to talk to someone. I called so many people and no one was home. Finally someone called me "just to find out how I was" I just cried and cried. After that I felt better. I guess I was so tired of trying to be the martyr and just needed to break down. Or it was the hormones.
After you have a baby your pregnancy hormones come crashing down and you are sad, anxious.....but you don't notice it as much b/c you have this incredibly cute baby that keeps you busy.
It is was no different for me...I also had a baby. Just not one to show off to everyone.
There really is not much you can say to a person going through what I was going through. At the time you are not really able to agree with any of the sayings "Hashem will give you the strength" b/c what I would have answered was "well HE better...he is the one testing me"
There are so many things I will tell you NEVER to say. Don't EVER say "well you weren't worthy of this neshama" or "guess your family didn't really want that baby enough". Or you are young...you will have more.
By miscarriage # ?? I tried to explain to BD who must have been 9 or so at the time that Hashem gives us a present EVERYDAY..our neshama. It is not really ours to keep b/c every night we return it to HIM. And every morning we "expect" to get it back. Well this time the choice wasn't ours. We were given this precious neshama that we had not met yet...(only I felt it at that point) and as much as we were excited to meet it...it wasn't ours. I then told him that every neshama has a purpose and even though we only had this neshama for a short time....it did fulfill a purpose. For that short time we were so happy and so excited.
So what do I say to myself today...and to my children (who chances are will not know what day was supposed to be. And that is fine...). How do I get through this should have, could have..and won't be day....
I will allow myself to be sad today because it is okay...then I'll go kiss my kids (or call them).
Then I'll cry a little and I'll always remember....all 10 of my precious neshamas.
So what do you call it then when you have seen your baby moving on an ultrasound, heard its heartbeat...not once...but numerous times. What do you call it when you actually feel your baby kicking...and then you have what the medical profession calls "settling". I call it "a loss". I don't think any woman going to her 20 week ultrasound expects to hear the words "I'm having trouble seeing your baby moving and its heart beating". To which yes I DID respond "well work a little harder honey because it is there" but it wasn't....
How do you go home and tell your children who were expecting to have to work at prying the gender out of you that instead their dreams have been shattered? What do you do? How do you go on? Do you crawl into bed and just scream? Well that was what I wanted to do. That wasn't what I could do. I had to try to function as normal as possible. Children take their cues from their parents. I couldn't cry into front of my kids b/c it scared them..especially my 3 yr old. So the crying was saved for the nighttime when I was alone with A.
So what DID I do and how did I go on...I took the position that I had to do whatever I could for kids that I had here and now. I had to put them before me and my emotions. I had to be MOMMY to my children that I'm fortunate to still be able to mother. I had to show them that mommy is okay..even if I wasn't. So if that meant taking them for pictures like we were supposed to or taking them to a corn maze...That is what we did. Life had to go on for them.
I felt I was so lucky to have these 4 miracles that I had to do whatever I could to make things normal. It wasn't easy by any means. Somehow I did get through it. The first few days I didn't leave the house (it was the first days of Succos). Well that is not totally true...I went to sit outside. I felt the walls were closing in on me if I stayed inside too much. Every time I stepped outside...someone followed me. They knew I didn't want to be alone so they just came and sat with me. They didn't have to actually talk to me.They just had to be with me...just as much as I needed them with me.
I felt safe those first few days surrounded by my family and my friends who came over. Again, I didn't have to ask my friends to come over...they just came. They didn't have to say anything or do anything. It meant so much to me when they came to just hold my hand or read a book to SY or just ...be there physically.
The week after when everyone went back to school,work, their lives... that was when I started to crumble. There were days I felt I couldn't stop crying. I felt so lost...so empty. There are still days that I do. I was trying so hard to go on with my everyday life but I would start crying and didn't know how to stop. I remember one day in particular. I felt so overwhelmed that I started crying and couldn't stop. I knew I just needed to talk to someone. I called so many people and no one was home. Finally someone called me "just to find out how I was" I just cried and cried. After that I felt better. I guess I was so tired of trying to be the martyr and just needed to break down. Or it was the hormones.
After you have a baby your pregnancy hormones come crashing down and you are sad, anxious.....but you don't notice it as much b/c you have this incredibly cute baby that keeps you busy.
It is was no different for me...I also had a baby. Just not one to show off to everyone.
There really is not much you can say to a person going through what I was going through. At the time you are not really able to agree with any of the sayings "Hashem will give you the strength" b/c what I would have answered was "well HE better...he is the one testing me"
There are so many things I will tell you NEVER to say. Don't EVER say "well you weren't worthy of this neshama" or "guess your family didn't really want that baby enough". Or you are young...you will have more.
By miscarriage # ?? I tried to explain to BD who must have been 9 or so at the time that Hashem gives us a present EVERYDAY..our neshama. It is not really ours to keep b/c every night we return it to HIM. And every morning we "expect" to get it back. Well this time the choice wasn't ours. We were given this precious neshama that we had not met yet...(only I felt it at that point) and as much as we were excited to meet it...it wasn't ours. I then told him that every neshama has a purpose and even though we only had this neshama for a short time....it did fulfill a purpose. For that short time we were so happy and so excited.
So what do I say to myself today...and to my children (who chances are will not know what day was supposed to be. And that is fine...). How do I get through this should have, could have..and won't be day....
Rami, you have4 amazing...no 5 amazing men who you love so much. Just look at them..try to remember how lucky you are. You will always carry the pain of each and every miscarriage or loss with you. They will always be a part of you...they have made you the kind of person you are. Try not to make today consume you. Remember this is Bitachon...you may never know the reason why you have had to go through this. You just have to go on....your boys need you to.
I will allow myself to be sad today because it is okay...then I'll go kiss my kids (or call them).
Then I'll cry a little and I'll always remember....all 10 of my precious neshamas.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
he leaves once again...
So he is off again. Back to his life at Yeshiva. I'm back to worrying again. I'm back to waiting for the late night phone calls to tell me about his day. Back to listening to the hidden messages in his words. Back to listening to his tone when he tells me about ...everything.
This past Friday night I said to A as we were going to sleep "well tonight I will sleep. All our kids are under one roof...you are not going anywhere. I have my 5 most important men under 1 roof. Tonight I will sleep !!!"
B"H I know he is going back to the best place for him. He is doing well BA"H. He is happy so therefore I'm happy but when you send your child away for yeshiva it is still sad. You lose a little of their growing up years. B"H BD calls me everyday so for that I'm very thankful but there is the everyday subtle changes you miss.
I count the days until he comes home and dread the day he has to leave. Again....he is in a GREAT place. B"H we feel so lucky to have found a wonderful Yeshiva with caring Rebbeim and very "good" boys who are positive role models.
So goodbye BD for now...
I will miss the extra laundry. The dirty clothes on the floor. The coat that doesn't get hung up. The hat/tefillin on top of the breakfront. The davening jacket on the dining room chair. The shoes that you take off in the doorway..and leave there. I will miss having an extra pair of hands to help with Shabbos and everything else.
I know SY will miss having another person to read to him and learn aleph-beis with him. I will miss the noise that somehow an extra person in the house seems to make.
I will miss the fighting that brothers do. I know your brothers will miss you doing their jobs for them and I know MN will miss your latest "bonding" moment
Most of all...I will miss YOU !!!
And now I'm back to counting the days until you come back....
And now I'm back to counting the days until you come back....
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
"what happened to the little boy I carried...."
Just got back from a wedding of a very close friends that was in Chicago where the kallah is from. It was a beautiful wedding. It was the kind of wedding that you felt the family and extended family were so appreciative you made the long trip. It was a time to reconnect with old friends...a time to laugh and giggle..and that we did plenty of.
One thought that I had during the Bedeken and especially at the Chuppah was "how did we get here?" The chosson was just 7 when I moved here. He was a little boy and now he is getting married? I watched the mother walk down the aisle with her "baby" crying as she held on to him. I'm sure it was tears of joy but still...you raise your children for this day. The day when you have hopefully instilled in them the values they will take on to the next point of their lives. This is the bracha that we all say at the bris...Torah,Chuppah, Massim Tovim. What was going through my friends mind as she took her son to the chuppah? Was she remembering all the nights she was up with him, was she remembering the first time he walked, his first day of nursery school, kindergarten.....
So this brings me back to my original post when I wondered "why am always always rushing my life"??? My friend SH wrote recently a blog about "just getting through it" how we are so focused on getting through each stage that when are we actually "enjoying" that stage??
I'm not up to weddings yet...IY"H in the right time but I was so busy at this wedding peeking over at the men's side...(shh, do not tell the shadchanim this piece of info). Why you ask...and it is true the men have the better schtick but that wasn't the real reason. The real reason was b/c BD was there with me. He flew in for the wedding from Yeshiva. I kept looking over at the men's side b/c I wanted to see him. I wanted to see what my baby was doing. I wanted to observe him as an outsider does. He is my first...as we say in our family "he is the one we do all of our practicing on". I just wanted to schep the nachas and watch him. Okay as anyone who has gone to weddings ...what do you see at the Men's side???? BLACK...and more black..just moving around. And when there is really good schtick unless you climb on a chair...sorry ladies you ain't seeing much else. So okay THAT plan was not going to work.
I did get to see occasional glimpses of him and I was proud when people who have not seen him in a while remarked how good he looked ba"h. I was also fortunate to meet a family who also traveled from St. Louis and was able to schep nachas when they told me how nice of a boy he is and how much they enjoy watching him grow since he entered 9th grade. ( I did tell the wife I was jealous that she sees him more then I do but as a mother who also sent her boys away she understood what I was really saying).
So this blog is supposed to be...I don't always keep to it but it is SUPPOSED to be "finding Bitachon in everyday life". So what life lessoncan I ...what life lesson should I be learning from this all....I guess not to get stuck on the negatives of teething and sleepless night and when will they take their first step...because all kids do get their teeth, they will all walk,they will all get toilet trained (even SY). Just ENJOY this time I have. Don't focus on the little things. Learn to "look at them from the other side of the mechitza". Take time to observe them as an outsider see's them. And always schep nachas !!!!
IY"H we will all walk our children down to the Chuppah in the right time.
Y&C E....I wish you a marriage filled with bracha and mazel and may you have nachas in your future.
One thought that I had during the Bedeken and especially at the Chuppah was "how did we get here?" The chosson was just 7 when I moved here. He was a little boy and now he is getting married? I watched the mother walk down the aisle with her "baby" crying as she held on to him. I'm sure it was tears of joy but still...you raise your children for this day. The day when you have hopefully instilled in them the values they will take on to the next point of their lives. This is the bracha that we all say at the bris...Torah,Chuppah, Massim Tovim. What was going through my friends mind as she took her son to the chuppah? Was she remembering all the nights she was up with him, was she remembering the first time he walked, his first day of nursery school, kindergarten.....
So this brings me back to my original post when I wondered "why am always always rushing my life"??? My friend SH wrote recently a blog about "just getting through it" how we are so focused on getting through each stage that when are we actually "enjoying" that stage??
I'm not up to weddings yet...IY"H in the right time but I was so busy at this wedding peeking over at the men's side...(shh, do not tell the shadchanim this piece of info). Why you ask...and it is true the men have the better schtick but that wasn't the real reason. The real reason was b/c BD was there with me. He flew in for the wedding from Yeshiva. I kept looking over at the men's side b/c I wanted to see him. I wanted to see what my baby was doing. I wanted to observe him as an outsider does. He is my first...as we say in our family "he is the one we do all of our practicing on". I just wanted to schep the nachas and watch him. Okay as anyone who has gone to weddings ...what do you see at the Men's side???? BLACK...and more black..just moving around. And when there is really good schtick unless you climb on a chair...sorry ladies you ain't seeing much else. So okay THAT plan was not going to work.
I did get to see occasional glimpses of him and I was proud when people who have not seen him in a while remarked how good he looked ba"h. I was also fortunate to meet a family who also traveled from St. Louis and was able to schep nachas when they told me how nice of a boy he is and how much they enjoy watching him grow since he entered 9th grade. ( I did tell the wife I was jealous that she sees him more then I do but as a mother who also sent her boys away she understood what I was really saying).
So this blog is supposed to be...I don't always keep to it but it is SUPPOSED to be "finding Bitachon in everyday life". So what life lesson
IY"H we will all walk our children down to the Chuppah in the right time.
Y&C E....I wish you a marriage filled with bracha and mazel and may you have nachas in your future.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
we will never get back those lost times
this came to me via email and just wanted to share:
Can I borrow $5:
Can I borrow $5:
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Thursday, January 6, 2011
teenage boys and food
I know I'm still in the infant years of this teenage boyhood but I've learned a valuable lesson so far. FOOD IS NOT SAFE WHEN THEY ARE AROUND. I can make a huge meal and they will inhale the majority of the meal...and get up from the table and go get a snack. I remember my brother A who is 6 years older then me also getting up from the table and making a sandwich after dinner so he won't get hungry from the kitchen to his bedroom. I just thought he was strange.....hmmm (love ya A). Now that I have 1 official teenager and another just about teenager I am amazed at the bottomless pit they call their stomach.
For instance just this morning MN came downstairs in his usual "sunny disposition"...(stop laughing, no teenager wakes up in a sunny disposition but I can dream right). Okay, so really MN came downstairs and grunted. I think it was something to the fact of " I'm hungry..where is the food" but I'm not sure b/c really it sounded "w$B*#...". So I cheerfully made him a bowl of cheerios. (I'm cheerful b/c that first cup of coffee has been circulating my body for a full 10 min). A FULL bowl of cereal with the milk filled up to the rim. He eats the WHOLE bowl....might have eaten the bowl as well if he could. Gets up from the table, puts his bowl in the sink (okay now I'm being delusional b/c that bowl for some reason has a magnetic force keeping it on the table and never is taken to the sink by anyone other then me or tatty), reaches to the top of the refrigerator and takes a pretzel. I stand there dumbfounded (no, not hard for me) and I say:
"but you just finished eating 30 seconds ago." To which he responds " I'm still hungry"...(yes by this time he can talk a little bit better).
I say back "but the cereal has not reached your stomach yet..it is still being digested".
To which he just smiles and walks away....most likely thinking "duh....mom"
I have actually stooped to the level of hiding those pretzels.... in the crock pot, the cabinet where the dish towels are hidden...but yet he still finds it.
I'm always shocked when I go to Wegmans (for you out there that have never experienced Wegmans...there will be a blog about that...and it will HAVE to have pictures to go along) and see how much I spend when everyone is home compared to how much I spend in the summer when the 2 older boys are at camp.
So are girls like this? Do they also have a bottomless stomach?
For instance just this morning MN came downstairs in his usual "sunny disposition"...(stop laughing, no teenager wakes up in a sunny disposition but I can dream right). Okay, so really MN came downstairs and grunted. I think it was something to the fact of " I'm hungry..where is the food" but I'm not sure b/c really it sounded "w$B*#...". So I cheerfully made him a bowl of cheerios. (I'm cheerful b/c that first cup of coffee has been circulating my body for a full 10 min). A FULL bowl of cereal with the milk filled up to the rim. He eats the WHOLE bowl....might have eaten the bowl as well if he could. Gets up from the table, puts his bowl in the sink (okay now I'm being delusional b/c that bowl for some reason has a magnetic force keeping it on the table and never is taken to the sink by anyone other then me or tatty), reaches to the top of the refrigerator and takes a pretzel. I stand there dumbfounded (no, not hard for me) and I say:
"but you just finished eating 30 seconds ago." To which he responds " I'm still hungry"...(yes by this time he can talk a little bit better).
I say back "but the cereal has not reached your stomach yet..it is still being digested".
To which he just smiles and walks away....most likely thinking "duh....mom"
I have actually stooped to the level of hiding those pretzels.... in the crock pot, the cabinet where the dish towels are hidden...but yet he still finds it.
I'm always shocked when I go to Wegmans (for you out there that have never experienced Wegmans...there will be a blog about that...and it will HAVE to have pictures to go along) and see how much I spend when everyone is home compared to how much I spend in the summer when the 2 older boys are at camp.
So are girls like this? Do they also have a bottomless stomach?
showers
Can the M.O.B.'s(translation.... Mother Of Boys) please explain to me the correct response to this scenario:
Boy comes downstairs with a gleam in his eye bursting to tell me monumental news. I'm so excited he is opening up to me and sharing something..anything with me.
Boy : Mom, guess what I did last night?
Me : what darling
Boy: I took a shower
So here is where it went downhill b/c my response was:
I stood up and clapped.
Please don't get me wrong, I was VERY proud of boy that mid week he took a shower.
Now I didn't need boy to tell me he took a shower last night b/c when I walked into the bathroom last night...there sitting in the corner on the floor was the towel. You know which towel I'm talking about. The towel that for some reason can NOT be hung up by anyone other then...ME.
So MOB's...what would you have done with this monumental event happening in your house???
Boy comes downstairs with a gleam in his eye bursting to tell me monumental news. I'm so excited he is opening up to me and sharing something..anything with me.
Boy : Mom, guess what I did last night?
Me : what darling
Boy: I took a shower
So here is where it went downhill b/c my response was:
I stood up and clapped.
Please don't get me wrong, I was VERY proud of boy that mid week he took a shower.
Now I didn't need boy to tell me he took a shower last night b/c when I walked into the bathroom last night...there sitting in the corner on the floor was the towel. You know which towel I'm talking about. The towel that for some reason can NOT be hung up by anyone other then...ME.
So MOB's...what would you have done with this monumental event happening in your house???
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