Why I love Pesach cleaning???

Let me first start off saying....I truly love Pesach cleaning. I'm not being sarcastic or "holier then thou". I really love Pesach cleaning. Now please do not think I've been inhaling cleansing agents that has caused me to go over the edge. Not yet at least...

The reason I love Pesach cleaning is because I dislike IMMENSELY cleaning. As I tell A I was not born to clean. I'm not cut out for it, I'm not good at it and therefore I do not do it. I have a cleaning lady who you all know when she doesn't show I'm very sad. So why the contradiction to Pesach cleaning and regular cleaning? Honestly if it wasn't for Pesach cleaning I would NEVER clean (or find anything that I have lost over the year). With Pesach I do not have a choice. And to tell you the truth...afterwards I feel great. I'm so happy to be able to walk into a room and know every spot in that room was cleaned. For instance after the bedrooms are done (talking about years past...don't get nervous the bedrooms are not done...next week :) and I  go to bed at night...I know those dust bunnies are not under my bed. It is a great feeling !!!

Here is my disclaimer...you are probably saying "Rami, dust bunnies are not chometz. Pesach cleaning is making sure there is no chometz. What you are doing sounds like Spring Cleaning. And to that I say...(THIS IS MY BLOG AND MY CLEANING..LEAVE ME BE !!!!) And you are right...I am "cleaning" more then I have to. I figure if I'm going to do it once a year...might as well do it all at one time..spring, Pesach...to me..it is CLEANING

So today we cleaned the basement. It took 2 1/2 hours because we all worked together. Yes, even 3 yr old SY. He is very capable of holding a dust pan or he is "just the right height to reach all those tiny hard to reach spaces". Now  I do not know what your basement looks like but mine is a large room that houses my junk, washing machine/dryer, junk, extra freezer, second refrigerator, more junk, Pesach stuff, more junk, extra clothes that kids have outgrown and did I say JUNK??? Oh yeah and BOXES....every possible size, shape and type. Do I use them when I need to send a package?? No, I still go to the UPS store and ask them to pack it for me. Why you ask? Well you see when you have a extensive collection like mine....if you remove 1 box from that LARGE tower...well lets just say we might need to call the Chilean miners and ask them how they survived being buried because it would take a rescue team to get us out from under the "mess".

Another special item stored in our basement are broken things like a dining room chair that the leg broke off ,a vacuum that doesn't do anything and a desk that has 1 leg (only has 1 leg to stand on.) So I'm not sure why broken items are put down there..maybe we think by putting them down in the basement some little elf will come and fix it late at night when we are sleeping and the next morning we will have working things again. As of yet that has not happened.

The other special item that was found was the old toys that we put downstairs when YY had outgrown them and we as of yet have not taken out for SY. Boy was he a happy guy. He was so busy "trying" to play while we were "trying" to convince him he doesn't want those toys to be brought upstairs b/c "look how much fun it is to play with them in the basement". 

So since we were cleaning today the real way to clean is...THROW OUT STUFF. The problem we are having right now is...Today is Sunday, Garbage Day is Thursday. There is too much snow outside right now to bring it all out. So at the present time it is all in 1 corner of the basement.

So if you are bored or looking for a box or a broken vacuum cleaner or a dining room chair..come over Wednesday night. B"li Neder we won't make fun of you going through our trash pile. Maybe you have an elf or just need a box. We have plenty !!!

Next week BEDROOMS...hope I find that black tichel.

Saying goodbye

How do you say goodbye to a dream? I never got to hold her in my arms. I never got to dress her in the bows and frills. I never got to breathe in that new baby smell. I never got to get up in the middle of the night and complain about how tired I was  the next day. I never got the chance to make memories. I never got the chance to know her So what do I do? She was my baby...she was my dream. So what DO I do?

I was told that after a 120 years I will meet all the neshamas of my lost children once again. My table will be filled with my children that I never met. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is it selfish to want those children HERE and NOW???

I know I'm supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason and Hashem knows best. It is just hard to throw up my hands and say "okay...sure I can do this once again". How many times do I have to say goodbye? I would think 6 would be too many.

This time was different for us. Never before did we know we were supposed to have a burial. It is long and complicated to go through but this was the first baby we had to ask the hospital to save the "remains". This was the first time we had to call a funeral home and ask them to help us bury our "baby".

It was a private burial just my husband, the funeral director and an unbelievable friend. I so badly wanted to go...how can I not be there? How can I not be there for my "baby", for my husband, for myself? Well I couldn't be there....b/c the exact time of the burial was the time that BD was going back to yeshiva. So yes, I chose to take him to the airport. Once again I made the choice to "pick" my living children over myself.

I thought BD didn't know what was going on...I wanted to shield him from the pain and confusion. I wanted to protect him for the harsh reality Only weeks later did I come to find out...he did know all along but didn't ask.

So to answer my original question of " how do you say goodbye?" The answer is...you don't.

You just say " I loved you for the joy you brought me for the short time I had you and the memory of that joy will live in my heart forever"


Till we meet again...

what today should have, could have and won't be...

I love my children. I am in awe of my children. I consider myself the LUCKIEST mother to have these 4 boys as my children. I love being their mother. I try to never take that for granted...but today I am just a little sad. Okay today I am A LOT sad. Today was "supposed" to be the day I gave birth to my 5th child..or is it my 10th???  I've been pregnant 10 times..and I have 4 boys...so yes, you did do your math correctly, I've had 6 miscarriages. I know I'm not the first woman to have a miscarriage. I pray though I'm the last. I can't even call the last 2 miscarriages a miscarriage because they were well into my second trimester. To me a miscarriage is when a pregnancy fails to progress past 12 weeks. I've had those... one time  I found out on Friday I was pregnant and Monday I wasn't anymore.  That is a miscarriage. What happens after you hear and see the heartbeat or feel your baby move is NOT a miscarriage...it is something more. 


So what do you call it then when you have seen your baby moving on an ultrasound, heard its heartbeat...not once...but numerous times. What do you call it when you actually feel your baby kicking...and then you have what the medical profession calls "settling". I call it "a loss".  I don't think any woman going to her 20 week ultrasound expects to hear the words "I'm having trouble seeing your baby moving and its heart beating". To which yes I DID respond "well work a little harder honey because it is there" but it wasn't....

How do you go home and tell your children who were expecting to have to work at prying the gender out of you that instead their dreams have been shattered? What do you do? How do you go on? Do you crawl into bed and just scream? Well that was what I wanted to do. That wasn't what I could do. I had to try to function as normal as possible. Children take their cues from their parents. I couldn't cry into front of my kids b/c it scared them..especially my 3 yr old. So the crying was saved for the nighttime when I was alone with  A.

So what DID I do and how did I go on...I took the position that I had to do whatever I could for kids that I had here and now. I had to put them before me and my emotions. I had to be MOMMY to my children that I'm fortunate to still be able to mother. I had to show them that mommy is okay..even if I wasn't. So if that meant taking them for pictures like we were supposed to or taking them to a corn maze...That is what we did. Life had to go on for them.


I felt I was so lucky to have these 4 miracles that  I had to do whatever I could to make things normal. It wasn't easy by any means. Somehow I did get through it. The first few days I didn't leave the house (it was the first days of Succos). Well that is not totally true...I went to sit outside. I felt the walls were closing in on me if I stayed inside too much. Every time I stepped outside...someone followed me. They knew I didn't want to be alone so they just came and sat with me. They didn't have to actually talk to me.They just had to be with me...just as much as I needed them with me. 


I felt safe those first few days surrounded by my family and my friends who came over. Again, I didn't have to ask my friends to come over...they just came. They didn't have to say anything or do anything. It meant so much to me when they came to just hold my hand or read a book to SY or just ...be there physically.


The week after when everyone went back to school,work, their lives... that was when I started to crumble. There were days I felt I couldn't stop crying. I felt so lost...so empty. There are still days that I do. I was trying so hard to go on with my everyday life but I would start crying and didn't know how to stop. I remember one day in particular. I felt so overwhelmed that I started crying and couldn't stop. I knew I just needed to talk to someone. I called so many people and no one was home. Finally someone called me "just to find out how I was" I just cried and cried. After that I felt better. I guess I was so tired of trying to be the martyr and just needed to break down. Or it was the hormones. 


After you have a baby your pregnancy hormones come crashing down and you are sad, anxious.....but you don't notice it as much b/c you have this incredibly cute baby that keeps you busy.


It is was no different for me...I also had a baby. Just not one to show off to everyone.


There really is not much you can say to a person going through what I was going through. At the time you are not really able to agree with any of the sayings "Hashem will give you the strength" b/c what I would have answered was "well HE better...he is the one testing me"


There are so many things I will tell you NEVER to say. Don't EVER say "well you weren't worthy of this neshama" or "guess your family didn't really want that baby enough". Or you are young...you will have more. 


By miscarriage # ?? I tried to explain to BD who must have been 9 or so at the time that Hashem gives us a present EVERYDAY..our neshama. It is not really ours to keep b/c every night we return it to HIM. And every morning we "expect" to get it back. Well this time the choice wasn't ours. We were given this precious neshama that we had not met yet...(only I felt it at that point) and as much as we were excited to meet it...it wasn't ours. I then told him that every neshama has a purpose and even though we only had this neshama for a short time....it did fulfill a purpose. For that short time we were so  happy and  so excited.


So what do I say to myself today...and to my children (who chances are will not know what day was supposed to be. And that is fine...). How do I get through this should have, could have..and won't be day....

Rami, you have 4 amazing...no 5 amazing men who you love so much. Just look at them..try to remember how lucky you are. You will always carry the pain of each and every miscarriage or loss with you. They will always be a part of you...they have made you the kind of person  you are. Try not to make today consume you. Remember this is Bitachon...you may never know the reason why you have had to go through this. You just have to go on....your boys need you to.

I will allow myself to be sad  today because it is okay...then I'll go kiss my kids (or call them).

 Then I'll cry a little and I'll always remember....all 10 of my precious neshamas.