he leaves once again...

So he is off again. Back to his life at Yeshiva. I'm back to worrying again. I'm back to waiting for the late night phone calls to tell me about his day. Back to listening to the hidden  messages  in his words. Back to listening to his tone when he tells me about ...everything.

This past Friday night I said to A as we were going to sleep "well tonight I will sleep. All our kids are under one roof...you are not going anywhere. I have my 5 most important men under 1 roof. Tonight I will sleep !!!"

B"H I know he is going back to the best place for him. He is doing well BA"H. He is happy so therefore I'm happy but when you send your child away for yeshiva it is still sad. You lose a little of their growing up years. B"H BD calls me everyday so for that I'm very thankful  but there is the everyday subtle changes you miss.

I count the days until he comes home and dread the day he has to leave. Again....he is in a GREAT place. B"H we feel so lucky to have found a wonderful Yeshiva with caring Rebbeim and very "good" boys who are positive role models.

So goodbye BD for now...

  I will miss the extra laundry. The dirty clothes on the floor. The coat that doesn't get hung up. The hat/tefillin on top of the breakfront. The davening jacket on the dining room chair. The shoes that you take off in the doorway..and leave there. I will miss having an extra pair of hands to help with Shabbos and everything else.

I know SY will miss having another person to read to him and learn  aleph-beis with him. I will miss the noise that somehow an extra person in the house seems to make.

I will miss the fighting that brothers do. I know your brothers will miss you doing their jobs for them and I know MN will miss your latest "bonding" moment

Most of all...I will miss YOU !!!
And now I'm back to counting the days until you come back....

"what happened to the little boy I carried...."

Just got back from a wedding of a very close friends that was in Chicago where the kallah is from. It was a beautiful wedding. It was the kind of wedding that you felt the family and extended family were so appreciative you made the long trip. It was a time to reconnect with old friends...a time to laugh and giggle..and that we did plenty of.
One thought that I had  during the Bedeken and  especially at the Chuppah was "how did we get here?" The chosson was just 7 when I moved here. He was a little boy and now he is getting married?  I watched the mother walk down the aisle with her "baby" crying as she held on to him. I'm sure it was tears of joy but still...you raise your children for this day. The day when you have hopefully instilled in them the values they will take on to the next point of their lives. This is the bracha that we all say at the bris...Torah,Chuppah, Massim Tovim. What was going through my friends mind as she took her son to the chuppah? Was she remembering all the nights she was up with him, was she remembering the first time he walked, his first day of nursery school, kindergarten.....
So this brings me back to my original post when I wondered "why am always always rushing my life"??? My friend SH wrote recently a blog about "just getting through it" how we are so focused on getting through each stage that when are we actually "enjoying" that stage??
I'm not up to weddings yet...IY"H in the right time but I was so busy at this wedding peeking over at the men's side...(shh, do not tell the shadchanim this piece of info). Why you ask...and it is true the men have the better schtick but that wasn't the real reason. The real reason was b/c BD was there with me. He flew in for the wedding from Yeshiva.  I kept looking over at the men's side b/c I wanted to see him. I wanted to see what my baby was doing. I wanted to observe him as an outsider does. He is my first...as we say in our family "he is the one we do all of  our practicing on". I just wanted to schep the nachas and watch him. Okay as anyone who has gone to weddings ...what do you see at the Men's side???? BLACK...and more black..just moving around. And when there is really good schtick unless you climb on a chair...sorry ladies you ain't seeing much else. So okay THAT plan was not going to work.
I did get to see occasional glimpses of him and I was proud when people who have not seen him in a while remarked how good he looked ba"h. I was also fortunate to meet a family who also traveled from St. Louis and was able to schep nachas when they told me how nice of a boy he is and how much they enjoy watching him grow since he entered 9th grade. ( I did tell the wife I was jealous that she sees him more then I do but as a mother who also sent her boys away she understood what I was really saying).
So this blog is supposed to be...I don't always keep to it but it is SUPPOSED to be "finding Bitachon in everyday life". So what life lesson can I ...what life lesson should I be learning from this all....I guess not to get stuck on the negatives of teething and sleepless night and when will they take their first step...because all kids do get their teeth, they will all walk,they will all get toilet trained (even SY). Just ENJOY this time I have. Don't focus on the little things. Learn to "look at them from the other side of the mechitza". Take time to observe them as an outsider see's them. And always schep nachas !!!!
IY"H we will all walk our children down to the Chuppah in the right time.

 Y&C E....I wish you a marriage filled with bracha and mazel and may you have nachas in your future.

we will never get back those lost times

this came to me via email and just wanted to share:


Can I borrow $5:

A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door. SON: 'Mummy, may I ask you a question?' MUM: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the woman. SON: 'Mummy, how much do you make an hour?' MUM: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the woman said angrily. SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me .' MUM: 'If you must know, I make  $20 an hour.' SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down. SON: "Mummy, may I please borrow $5?" The mother was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.' The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.. The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 ,   He really didn't ask for money very often. The woman went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. 'Are you asleep, son?' She asked. 'No, Mummy, I'm awake,' replied the boy. 'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the woman. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $5 you asked for.' The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you Mummy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother. 'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the mother grumbled. 'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied. 'Mummy, I have $20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'  The mother was crushed. She put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of us working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $20 worth of your time with someone you love. If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. ************************************************************************************************************** I'm going to try to remember this on the week's when I'm out too many nights in a row.

teenage boys and food

I know I'm still in the infant years of this teenage boyhood but I've learned a valuable lesson so far. FOOD IS NOT SAFE WHEN THEY ARE AROUND. I can make a huge meal and they will inhale the majority of the meal...and  get up from the table and go get a snack. I remember my brother A who is 6 years older then me also getting up from the table and making a sandwich after dinner so he won't get hungry from the kitchen to his bedroom. I just thought he was strange.....hmmm (love ya A). Now that I have 1 official teenager and another just about teenager I am amazed at the bottomless pit they call their stomach.
For instance just this morning MN came downstairs in his usual "sunny disposition"...(stop laughing, no teenager wakes up in a sunny disposition  but I can dream right). Okay, so really MN came downstairs and grunted. I think it was something to the fact of " I'm hungry..where is the food" but I'm not sure b/c really it sounded  "w$B*#...". So I cheerfully made him a bowl of cheerios. (I'm cheerful b/c that first cup of coffee has been circulating my body for a full 10 min). A FULL bowl of cereal with the milk filled up to the rim. He eats the WHOLE bowl....might have eaten the bowl as well if he could. Gets up from the table, puts his bowl in the sink (okay now I'm being delusional b/c that bowl for some reason has a magnetic force keeping it on the table and never is taken to the sink by anyone other then me or tatty), reaches to the top of the refrigerator and takes a pretzel. I stand there dumbfounded (no, not hard for me) and I say:

 "but you just finished eating 30 seconds ago." To which he responds " I'm still hungry"...(yes by this time he can talk a little bit better).
I say back "but the cereal has not reached your stomach yet..it is still being digested".
To which he just smiles and walks away....most likely thinking "duh....mom"

  I have actually stooped to the level of hiding those pretzels.... in the crock pot, the cabinet where the dish towels are hidden...but yet he still finds it.

I'm always shocked when I go to Wegmans (for you out there that have never experienced Wegmans...there will be a blog about that...and it will HAVE to have pictures to go along) and see how much I spend when everyone is home compared to how much I spend in the summer when the 2 older boys are at camp.

So are girls like this? Do they also have a bottomless stomach?

showers

Can the M.O.B.'s(translation.... Mother Of Boys) please explain to me the correct response to this scenario:

Boy comes downstairs with a gleam in his eye bursting to tell me monumental news. I'm so excited he is  opening up to me and sharing something..anything with me.

Boy : Mom, guess what I did last night?
Me : what darling
Boy: I took a shower

So here is where it went downhill b/c my response was:

I stood up and clapped.

Please don't get me wrong, I was VERY proud of boy that mid week he took a shower.

Now I didn't need boy to tell me he took a shower last night b/c when I walked into the bathroom last night...there sitting in the corner on the floor was the towel. You know which towel I'm talking about. The towel that for some reason can NOT be hung up by anyone other then...ME.

So MOB's...what would you have done with this monumental event happening in your house???

I'm going to do it...

So I decided that I will start the process of being a blogger.....
First I want to explain my title. Bitachon is faith...believing in something whole heartily. Believing that Hashem (G-D) does things for a reason and we will continue to believe even if we don't understand. It is easy to recognize Hashem when things are going great....but it is equally important to remember it when something bad happens as well.

I found this great video to explain.....

So I try to rely on my faith that whatever happens in my life whether good or bad..happens for a reason. I'm human and there are many times I need to remember I'm not in charge. It is hard..but everyday it is something I try to work on.

So I'm not sure how often I'll blog..b/c frankly I don't think my life is all that interesting. I'll try to work on increasing my Bitachon....1 day at a time.

So come on my journey with me....hopefully I won't bore you.

Can I do it?

I've been thinking of starting a blog and recently have been discussing it with two friends. So I figured I better see if I can write well enough to make me appear interesting. So I thought now is a great time with my birthday quickly approaching. 

So I'm turning 23 !!! What you don't believe me ??? Guess it would be hard to be 23 when your oldest child is 16.  So I'm turning 37.  I just don't feel 37. To be 37  I would think you would feel mature..wise..something. I'm not sure how old I "feel" but I don't "feel" 37. When I turned 30 it was very emotional for me. In my mind I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish by then and I didn't feel I had reached my goal yet. So here I am..3/4 of the way to 40 and what is my biggest accomplishment..MY KIDS !!!

 I look at my kids and occasionally think to myself "who are these little people that are calling ME mommy ?" Having kids in a wide age range..or as I like to say...having 3 families in one is "fun". I have my first family... my 16 yr old who is learning to drive and finishing high school .Then there is my second family my 12 yr old who is preparing for his Bar Mitzvah along with his 10 yr old brother who is "waiting" to prepare for his Bar Mitzvah and my third family ...my 3 yr old.  Now my 3 yr old is VERY lucky b/c he has 4 parents...his "real" parents who gave birth to him (that would be me and his father) and his brothers who always pick up the slack of  reprimanding him when they feel we are not doing an adequate job.  Oldest brother is able to do it long distance

How did I get to this point in my life? I feel at times I must have blinked because my life has been fast forwarded. What happened ??? Was I so stuck on my list of goals that I let time slip bye...or was I busy with my 4 miracles..and miracles they are...but THAT is a different blog.

So I sit here on a cold winter day 3 years away from 40 still wondering how do I get here...More importantly..what will occupy me for the next 3 years?? Well G-d willing will have made 2 more Bar Mitzvahs, 1 High School Graduation..send 3 yr old off to school ...okay too sad to think of that...but wait...12 yr old will be off in Yeshiva in some far off place...

Okay..stopping here b/c I really don't want to rush my next 3 years..instead...going to try to enjoy the roller coaster ride....